I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
