And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I accidentally burped into my bong.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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