This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
