watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You took a bar mat shot.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
