i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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