I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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