Im at strip club and am horny
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize