My nipple is on Facebook.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
