Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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