I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
