Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
