She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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