so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
