I want to make a zoo with you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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