if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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