the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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