She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
