My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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