I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
