He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
