i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
