i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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