I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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