Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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