I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
