dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
