This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize