Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
