i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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