those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
