Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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