I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
