Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
