I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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