I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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