Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
