In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
