Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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