Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
