You really coming over, don't trick.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
