so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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