I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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