Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You ruined the universe
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