if i can run in heels then i can drive
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Everything about him screamed your future.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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