I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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