Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
