On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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