Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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