i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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