we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
