There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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