Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
