Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
