I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
