she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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