if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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