My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
