If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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