my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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